Reflecting on Hawaii
I remember the moment I decided I wanted to move to Hawaii. It was January 2020 and I knew I wanted to move to the Hampton’s for the summer but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do after that. All I knew was that I wasn’t going home. This might sound silly but I was really into watching the reboot of Hawaii 5-0 at the time. I remember thinking “gosh it’d be so cool to live there.” And then next thing I knew, plans were in the works.
I do this a lot, I make decisions without really thinking them through. I had told some people I was moving but nobody seemed to really believe me. I remember when I told my parents in July 2020 that I had booked an AirBnb for two months starting that October and they got really mad, especially my dad. I don’t think he has ever or will ever understand the desire to travel and see the world. Some people have it and others, just don’t I suppose.
Funnily enough (it’s funny now, definitely wasn’t funny back then) I had my heartbroken about a week before my flight. The guy I was seeing at the time told me he had another girlfriend and she was actually the main girlfriend, I was just the side piece. It was devestating. So much so that I boarded a plane to Hawaii in a complete haze not really understanding the gravity of what I was doing and the responsibility I was undertaking.
The feeling I had flying over the mountains and seeing Hawaii for the first time was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before and I have yet to feel that excitement about anything since. I didn’t know Hawaii had mountains, I didn’t realize how close I’d be to the beach. I didn’t have any plans or think about how I would make money or spend my days. I didn’t know anyone or understand anything about truly living on my own with no help. I didn’t know how to cook, or how I’d be getting around with no car. I didn’t know that it’s literally 80 degrees year round and I packed all the wrong clothes. I was so naive it’s almost embarrassing to look back on this time and admit these things, however I also feel nostalgia for when I was this young and experienced girl who just wanted to find happiness somewhere.
Every transplant I met in Hawaii was either running from something or chasing something.
I’m not going to get into every detail, nobody’s got the time, but living on this island was like living in a fever dream every day. I made friends, lost friends, did things I never thought I’d be able to do. My entire life changed and I’m an entirely different person than the broken-hearted 20 year old who moved there two years ago.
Once I got to O’ahu, I realized pretty quickly that I needed a car. I bought Dorothea, my 2003 Pontiac Vibe from a guy I met on facebook in an alleyway in Makiki Heights. Dorothea was my girl, I had all my therapy sessions in that car, I cried and laughed and made so many memories in her. I loved that car so much. $1350 and she only broke down once. My first car that I bought by myself, my island beater. She moved me all around the island during my first 6 months. Unfortunately she was stolen, but I’ll never forget my first car.
When you move far away from your hometown (I’m from New York) they say everyone visits you in your first year and then no one ever visits you again. That’s sort of true- it was for me at least. My best friend Izzy visited me just two months after I moved there and I was so excited to show her and her sister around the island. I was living on the North Shore at the time, in Kahuku. I was so happy they decided to come visit. I met Izzy in high school and she was pretty much the only person I stayed in contact with from my hometown. Even though I haven’t seen her in a while and neither one of us live in that town anymore, it’s friends like her who make such a huge effort to come see you that make life a little less intimidating :) I recommend every go out and find themselves an Izzy.
Someone else I’m so grateful for is my sister. For 6 weeks between March ‘21 and April ‘21 that my younger sister decided to come visit. I was couch surfing at the time so she got her own place, but this time we spent together is time I will always remember. For a while we didn’t really get along (family drama and whatnot) but she decided that because she was doing remote schoolwork she would take the opportunity of having me on the island to come visit. I will always look back on these weeks so fondly. I think it really healed our relationship and for me anyway, her being there and spending time with me and my friends reminded me what the meaning of family is. I know I have amazing friends that I’m lucky to have in my life but having family just hits different and I’m so beyond grateful for her <3
After 6 months in Hawaii I decided to move back to New York for the summer and work in the Hampton’s to save up a little money. There I met a guy who made me laugh harder than I ever have and someone who genuinely made me feel so special and good about myself. After about 3 months of dating him, we decided to move in together. Except I was moving back to the island, so he decided to come with me and we moved in to a small one bedroom in downtown Honolulu.
I’m not going to look back on this relationship with regret, while there are things I definitely should’ve done differently, I’m choosing to look back and be grateful that I learned all these life lessons at age 21 instead of 31. I’m grateful we aren’t together anymore but I’m also grateful that we were able to share the time we did together.
I loved this guy. I thought it was perfect that he wanted to move in with me and we would be able to just be happy and in love in paradise. Except at 9 months together he still couldn’t tell me that he loved me. I had to drive him to and from work every single day. I paid for all the gas, majority of the bills and covered rent every single month until he was able to pay me back and 6 months post-breakup he still owes me a load of money.
I could also talk about this relationship for a long time but in this post I want to focus on the island rather than the relationship. Even though he was a big part of my life, especially in the second chapter of my time in Hawaii, I discovered a love that had nothing to do with him. I found out how much hiking could heal me.
As you can imagine every single day from December 2021 till the day I left Hawaii I was so upset. I was beyond stressed out trying to make the bills each month, I was crying every single day. It was such a horrible and emotionally taxing time of my life. There were a few points in January 2021 that I really thought I was never going to be happy again. I didn’t even know what being happy felt like. I thought that life just wasn’t for me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have the outdoors to help me get through what I was going through.
The outdoors and Rachel. Rachel was my saving grace. She is the perfect friend. She introduced me to hiking and even when I didn’t feel like going out because all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry, she would text me and ask if I was interested in hiking all the time and she would send me links to AllTrails and we would just go. I’m not religious or anything but I do think that the universe sent me Rachel at the most perfect time. We did so much exploring together and really hiked all the best trails on O’ahu. We also took a hiking trip to the Big Island together and that just helped me put so many things into perspective.
Other than my less than ideal relationship, I think I was truly suffering from island fever. I felt very claustrophobic and trapped with no where to go. I think that’s why I love California so much, it’s huge with so much to do and so much variety. In Hawaii, I had no money to go home, I couldn’t break my lease, and even with everything this boy was putting me through some very broken part of me deeply loved him. I felt so stuck. I also felt so guilty for so long because I wanted to leave Hawaii after I had just made him uproot his entire life and spend all his savings moving there for me. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he could’ve just said ‘no.’ He could’ve told me he couldn’t afford it. He was a 26 year old man with willpower, I didn’t force him to do anything. We all make our own choices in this world.
Even though I didn’t really want to, I decided to go back to my job in the Hampton’s for another summer season. It was my ticket out of the island and my ticket out of the relationship. So many messed up things happened on the island, between car problems, friendship drama, the whole thing feeling like a fever dream… sometimes I still think i dreamed up the whole thing.
I left New York a naive 20 year old and came back a 22 year old adult with knowledge, experience, and a sense of who I am and what I want to do in this life. I came to an understanding of my values and what kind of people I want to surround myself with. I gained a deeper understanding of what it means to be at your lowest and what it means to take care of yourself. I will always be grateful to Hawaii for giving me that, and to all the people (yes, all of them) that I met along the way who influenced my growth as a person. I wouldn’t be who I am today without spending my bonus years on this beautiful island I was so lucky to call my home.
