Get to Know Me

After graduating college, I suppose you could say I was at a bit of a loss with where I should go next. I knew I didn’t want to go into my field right away, but I had to make money somehow. Peak pandemic, there weren’t a lot of options. Moving home was completely off the table. My house was full.. like.. to the brim. My parent’s had taken in a foreign exchange student from China and he obviously couldn’t go home for the summer, so he had a bedroom. My parents each had a bedroom. My little sister shared a couch with our dog and my older sister and her husband had the pull out couch. This meant that during Covid, I had to either sleep on the floor underneath the dining room table or find somewhere else to live.

I ended up finding a job in the Hamptons that provided staff housing which was a true godsend. I was able to avoid moving home and make money at the same time. Once you move out of your parents house though, and have a taste of true adulthood and freedom, you really never want to go back. Ever. So I made it a point and a promise to myself to never return home. Even now that only my divorcing parents live in that house, it doesn’t really feel like a home anymore. So I stay on the go!

The Hamptons were an easy choice, I had it in my head even before Covid that I wanted to go there. My older sister lived and worked in Montauk for a summer and had a great time so it seemed like the logical next step. This being said, I had no idea where to go. I almost had too many options. At the time I was really into watching the show Hawaii 5-0, so I decided to book a one way ticket to Hawaii and see how it went. I planned on just going for a few weeks to try to get an idea of what I wanted or where I wanted to live.

On October 16, 2020, I got on an American Airlines Flight headed to Honolulu with a stop in LAX. I was nervous as I had never been on a connecting flight before, but I figured if other people can do it every day than I can do it too. The flight was a blur, I was scared and a little sad, and very confused as to why I was on the plane. I had never been to Hawaii, or even west of Pennsylvania. This was an entirely new experience for me and I had done little to no research about where I was going. I didn’t even know Hawaii had mountains. I had no idea of the culture, the language, the people… Honestly it’s embarrassing to remember how naive I was about the whole thing.

I’ll never forget the first time I flew over the islands. I felt this sense of excitement and adventure that I had never felt before. It was a euphoric high that I think I’ve been chasing ever since. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recreate that feeling, much as I might crave it. I took a picture out the window and I just remember feel peace. It was like I knew I had made the right decision. I couldn’t stay in New York forever, and I certainly couldn’t live at home at all. You have to live somewhere, right?

Getting off the plane, I had no job, no idea where I was, and no idea what I was going to do that day or any of the days following. The nice lady at the airport told me on my way out to “enjoy the beach.” I remember thinking “hmm.. that’s a good idea, I should probably go to the beach.” I was in such a lonely haze that I didn’t think about the fact that O’ahu is an island and it probably has beaches. I got into my apartment in Waikiki and I could see the ocean from the view of the 37th floor. I ended up going to the beach. I went everyday, in fact, for 6 weeks to the same beach right in front of the Hilton Hotel. I kept to myself mostly, didn’t really make friends or talk to anyone for a long time. I couldn’t find a grocery store besides the Target in the Ala Moana so I ate out of 7/11 most days, unless I wanted the long walk to Target. I would bring my little black JanSport backpack that I used in highschool and carry my groceries in it all the way home. Of course they’d all be melted because I wasn’t very used to tropical weather.

I had a good time living in Waikiki. Niu Street was close to a lot of things and I would spend many days just walking up and down the length of the city. It wasn’t quite what I was looking for though. If you close your eyes and open them in the middle of Waikiki, you might think you’re in Miami. It’s all very tourist oriented and I just knew there was more out there. So I went on Facebook and started looking for cars. I messaged this one guy and met him in a side road in Makiki Valley where he sold me my first car, Dorothea. She was a 2003 Pontiac Vibe who needed a little work. In fact, she didn’t start the first time I tried. One thing I learned very quickly into this is that you can’t stop. You can’t freeze when you’re on your own on an island 5,000 miles away from your nearest familiar faces. The only person who will take care of you is yourself. So I called AAA and got a new battery. I went a registered my car properly and got it inspected like I was supposed to, and miraculously everything went all right.

The next day I took my Dorothea, packed up my car, and headed to the North Shore. I ended up moving in with these nice college girls who were attending BYU in Kahuku. I liked living on the North Shore, but I found myself driving towards the east side just about everyday. I liked the tranquility and genuine happiness I found up there, but something in my heart was drawing me elsewhere. I feel like sometimes I can’t just be where I am, you know? Always seeing greener grass I suppose. After a quick trip home for Christmas I decided to move out on February 1, and move down a little closer to town and the few friends that I had made. I am really glad I went home that Christmas, I haven’t been home for one since.

Packing up my car again to move to Palolo Valley was a little tough, I think I was getting a little burnt out of island life. Especially because I was going to live on a couch for the next few months. It was supposed to be cost saving, and it was, but in place of money, it cost my mental health. I was so tired and drained all the time. Having at one time, seven girls sharing a two bedroom little house with no kitchen and one bathroom was a recipe for disaster. Though what ended up being one of the worst living situations was actually the best few weeks of my life. My sister came to visit for six weeks and we had the most fun. She really made my time on island enjoyable and looking back I think those were the best six weeks of all my time in Hawaii.

I knew I was getting island fever though. I could feel the claustrophobia growing everyday, so I gave Dorothea away, packed up my things again, and moved home for a week before heading out the Hamptons for another summer. Imagine being so mentally exhausted that working 70 hours a week at a job sounds better than having to deal with your own thoughts. That’s where I was at. I worked away that whole summer before deciding to move back to O’ahu and give it another go. This time would be different, I would get a real apartment in a part of town I knew I liked. I planned on getting a job, and bringing my boyfriend with me. We had only been together a little while (about two weeks) before we decided to make this move, but it felt right at the time. I have a great knack for not seeing red flags waving in my face.

Moving back was challenging, especially because I couldn’t just make decisions for myself this time around, I had to think about another person. I had to incorporate what he wanted too. October 31, 2021 I moved back and I signed my lease on the 8th of November. The lease ended on May 31, 2022 and thus began the worst 7 months of my entire life. To be honest, a lot of it is quite blurry. There were days that I jumped out of bed at 4 in the morning to join my friend Rachel on a sunrise hike. There were days that I didn’t get out of bed at all, not even to eat, because I was so down. I never knew what kind of day I would get when I woke up, they just sort of happened. The days moved as slow as molasses. It was hard to even fathom time moving at most points.

After the longest 7 months of my life, I knew I really only had one choice- to move once again back to the Hamptons. I couldn’t spend one more minute of my life in that apartment, in that relationship, in that way of life. So once again, I sold everything I owned and packed myself into 3 suitcases. I hopped on a one way flight back to New York and worked myself all summer in the Hamptons. It’s mindless work at this point, muscle memory. The summer didn’t get much better though, it was just a different set of problems with the pain of a breakup on top of it. I needed something completely different, an entire change of path.

So I decided to move. Again. In October of 2022, I packed up my 2009 Nissan Versa and drove to Las Vegas. With 100,000 miles, a flashing check engine light, and a pack of redbulls, I drove solo across America with hopes that I’d find the feeling I’d been chasing since I first landed in Hawaii. I drove for 4 days, stopping to hike in Canyonlands and Arches along the way. You would think that I’d feel relieved when I set my eyes on Las Vegas, but the only thing I felt was disappointment.

I don’t know what I expected, but this was worse. There was trash flying in the streets, disgusting billboards, dirt and filth everywhere. You could only be drunk to enjoy spending time there. It’s no place to live, at least not for me. I had a nice house with a nice roommate. She helped me move in and invited me out with her friends. I had hard luck finding a job, I didn’t feel safe walking around (even in the day) and I just knew it wasn’t for me. I was tired of having to stick things out. I stuck out Hawaii for longer than I probably should have and I was just over it.

So I moved.

Again.

After 10 days of living in Vegas, I packed everything back into my car and on the morning of November 1, 2021, I drove out to Los Angeles. I loved it. I loved everything about it. I loved my roommates, my apartment.. it makes me sad that I’ll be leaving it soon. I found a job that covered my costs with great coworkers. It was this job that made me hate LA though. I was working myself at least six or seven days a week just to make it by, sometimes 16 days in a row. I was burnt out, exhausted, and unable to put anything in savings because the cost of living is so high. I didn’t have time to go out or meet new friends, I barely had any time or money to travel because I had to make my rent. All of the things I did that made me love my life were pushed to the back burner just so I could keep up with the rat race. I almost turned to dancing as a back up plan so I could have a day off, even if I had to work at night. The cost wasn’t worth it. It isn’t worth it, not anymore.

I want to travel, to see more of the world. I can’t do that if every single penny I make is spent trying to keep up with California. It’s too much financially, not to mention emotionally and mentally. I hated my job after 6 months of working at it. I remember the day I quit, I felt so free. I drove up to San Francisco the next day with my best friend. I felt as though I were on top of the world. We had so much fun that day, I didn’t have to deal with rude customers or anxious servers with anger issues. I was just living. Free. I want to live like that all the time.

However, I need savings. At least a few thousand. So here I am, back in the Hamptons again. I drove across the country in my same beater car I drove there in just a few months ago. I’ve spent a lot of time in my car this year. I’ll have to fly back to LA and pack the rest of my things to drive it all back soon, probably next month. And then I’ll move out of the Hamptons (hopefully for good this time!) And I’ll be off on my next adventure.

Moving is exhausting, especially when you’re always doing it all by yourself. I wouldn’t change it though. I’ve decided that instead of spending the time and money moving every few months to just commit to the bit and become a full time traveller. I’m starting in a few weeks to do some hostel exchanges with worldpackers and finally admit that maybe I just don’t want to settle down yet. So there. That’s the story. There’s so much more to each part of this, to each chapter that truly made me understand the saying “grow though what you go through.” I’m grateful though, even for the stress, sweat, and tears. All of it made me who I am today and gave me the experience to become a full time globe trotter. Besides, I’ll always have the memories no matter what.

If nothing else I will always have my stories <3