Analysis Paralysis
Oh WOW do I hope I come to some sort of life changing conclusion by the end of this. Here we go: I don’t know what to do, so I’ve decided to do nothing. Since relocating myself across the Atlantic two weeks ago I have done approximately zero productive things with my life. It’s miserable. The awkward stage of moving is the first month and I know that because I’ve lived in seven different cities across the United States, but this time feels particularly brutal. I know how good life can be. I know what it’s like to wake up everyday under palm trees and go for a swim. I was just meant to live on a topical island. Yet here I am on an island that is exactly the opposite of tropical. It’s cold, dark, and ridiculously expensive. I look back on why I moved here in the first place and find myself at a complete loss. I had very few expectations coming here, but nothing is as I thought it would be. So now I find myself, day in and day out completely over analyzing absolutely every life decision I’ve ever made.
I have friends here, my mom is moving here, I have other family here, but I talked to one of my friends today and she said something really impactful: none of these reasons have anything to do with me. It’s all other people. You’d think at this stage of my life I’d learn to live for myself, but here we are. I don’t even know if I want to live over here, but I have everyone in my ears telling me all different things about what I should do. Should I stay? Try to remember why I came here in the first place? Should I call it a day and move somewhere warm? I feel like I can’t search for apartments because I don’t know if I want one. I can’t search for on-site jobs because I don’t know if I’m staying. It’s been a rough two weeks, I can’t lie. Everything just feels so foreign and that’s so strange because this is the only place I’ve ever moved to that I visited before, I should’ve known what to expect, yet here I am.
No job, no car, a ridiculous proclivity for making my money disappear, and no idea what on earth I want to do with my life. I want to settle down and travel all at the same time. How do I do that? How does anyone? Most people I know have the privilege to leave their things at their mom or dad’s house. I suppose I have some things at my moms house too, but it’s hard when that house is trying to be emptied so it can be sold. I want a home base, but I also want the freedom to travel and I just think that Dublin is to expensive to do that in. If I wanted to pay over $1,200 in rent I would’ve moved back to Los Angeles. But, I’m here now, so the question remains: should I stay or go? Do I cut my losses? If I go, where do I go? What would my new life look like? If I leave here, what am I missing out on? Who am I missing out on? Is a year long lease really that long or is it already too long?
I just didn’t think it would be this hard. None of my other moves have been this difficult. Even when I drove by myself across the country to Las Vegas, hated it, and moved to LA within 9 days. I was completely alone, I’d never really been out West before, my car suddenly needed $1,750 of work done to it, and somehow that was so much easier than doing absolutely nothing in Ireland. I think I’m such a busy body that doing things, even hard things, sounds so much better than doing nothing. I hate doing nothing. I hate that I’m relying on the approximately 3 people I know in this country to get off work to hang out with me. I hate it? But what would my life look like if I committed to something. What would it look like if I did sign a year long lease for the first time in my whole life? I don’t even know if I like living in the city. It’s just so… dreary over here.
I definitely sound like I hate Ireland, but I honestly don’t! I know there is so much beauty in this country, but I don’t have a car which makes it incredibly difficult to access said beauty. I would love to spend my days hiking in the Wicklow mountains and exploring the West, but I have no way of doing that. I don’t know if I like Dublin city to live in as much as I thought I did, but what do I do? Move to Italy? To Spain? I don’t speak anything but English.
I just moved country- continent! And I want to move again after 14 days? That’s preposterous! But also… very like me. I called my sister to tell her I wasn’t loving Ireland as much as I thought I would and she said, “Don’t piss me off this early in the morning.” She has seen and heard me say these things a million times over. Do I just pack a bag and travel? Do I finally commit to something? To someone? See, these thoughts circle in my head all day, everyday, until they circle in my dreams when I fall asleep. Paralyzed by decision-making and terrified of choosing wrong for myself (again).
Advice appreciated xx
P.S. I did not, in fact, come to a life changing conclusion by the end of writing this.
IG @ddeirdreee
