Back to the Island..
A friend of mine told me she had never left California. 24 years old and had barely even left Los Angeles County. I remember telling her and our other friends how much they’d love Hawaii. It’s a dream of a place, despite the heavy baggage it holds for me. I lived there on and off for two of the most emotionally charged years of my life. I went through so much heartbreak on that island it hurts to even think about it sometimes. That being said, I wanted my friend to experience life outside of LA and for some reason I felt like I was in a good enough place to revisit the place I called home for so long.
After booking the trip, I felt nothing but nerves and nausea. I had spent weeks and months at my worst, just wishing I could save enough money to get off of the island, and here I was spending over a grand to visit for just a few days. I decided to make the trip all about my friend as best I could, to try and forget about the crushing weight of anxiety on my chest. I felt like my bones were screaming at me not to get on the plane. I could hear a distant voice in my brain trying to remind me of what happened the last time I stepped foot on O’ahu. I ignored it and pulled focus towards the fact that it was my girl’s first flight. I knew that this trip was important. I was in such a rush to leave last May that I never really said goodbye.
When we got off the plane and into the rental car, the first thing we did was drive out east. HNL in and of itself brought back so many memories of my first winter in Hawaii. They say when you move far away that everyone visits you in your first year and then no one comes again. This unfortunately rang true. I would drive to and from the airport dropping of friends and family, picking them up… I had a lot of memories in that airport. Even in that part of town. I spent hours and hours driving around on those roads, making deliveries, trying to make ends meet. It all came back in a huge wave of nostalgia that nearly brought me to tears.
I tried to focus up though, make this a happy walk down memory lane instead of remembering the hardest year of my life. We went on the lighthouse hike and then spent some time of my favorite beach. We were staying at a hostel in Waikiki and we didn’t want to get there too late, so we decided to leave around 4, but there was some place I had to stop at first.
The anxiety of seeing my old apartment was getting to be too much. Even writing about it brings a lump in the throat. This was the last place I lived before moving off the island. Birch Street. It was where I shared an apartment with my now ex-boyfriend. I could feel my skin crawling as I drove up the street. Everything was the same, except my life was completely different. There was a new car parked in “my” parking spot. I could still see the stain in the pavement from where my island beater leaked oil on the driveway. I brought my friend up the stairs I used to sit on for hours on end. I liked to watch the moon at night, try to get some fresh air if I’d been inside all day. The stairs my boyfriend used to chase me up after I picked him up from work. The stairs I fell asleep drunk on the one night I went out and had fun with my friends.
As we approached the outside door I could feel the tears coming on. I think I underestimated just how heavy this moment would be. I could hear a baby crying inside and their parents trying to soothe them. It made me a little relieved to know there was a happy couple living inside the walls that saw nothing but ache for so long. I said my goodbyes and we headed back to the hostel, where I silently cried for a while. I guess I didn’t realize how much of an emotional hold Hawaii still had on me. Still has on me. We ended up driving around to all of the old homes I used to live in. This was is in downtown Honolulu, there was one in Waikiki, one in Kahuku on the North Shore, one in Palolo Valley.. I even saw the place my sister lived in for the six weeks she came to visit me.
The days when by as I took her around to see my favorite spots and hikes. It’s weird to think how I collected all of these spots though friends of friends.. and how none of them live there anymore. I used to know so many people and all of them have moved off the island and this point. It’s sad to see my friends scatter, but that was one of the reasons I left myself. Why would I stay somewhere so isolated when all of my friends are moving on? I think Hawaii is a beautiful spot, but I felt as though I were stuck in quicksand. Watching all your friends move off and move on while you dig your heels in deeper is a hard place to be.
Every location I took my friend I would tell her stories about the first time I did that hike or the people I used to know that I created these amazing memories with. I want to remember Hawaii for the good parts. For the mountains that made me fall in love with hiking, for my friend Rachel who helped me through the worst year of my life whether she knows it or not, for the beaches that made me want to get out of bed to watch the sun rise over them, and for the sunsets that allowed me to start over again.
I wanted to try something new too, instead of just recreating days I’ve already lived. I decided to go free diving with sharks. I’m not going to lie I had a small panic attack when I jumped in. It wasn’t because of the sharks though, I think I have a small (very big) fear of drowning. I’m not the strongest swimmer, but once the instructor told me that all I had to do was lie down and float, I had the most amazing experience of my life. Seeing the sharks swimming around with me was the most connected I’ve felt to the Earth in a long time. I liked living in LA, but the nature and ocean in Hawaii hits so differently.
On our last full day I took my friend over to the west side to do a hike that I knew would bring up some things from the past, but part of me just had to see it again. We hiked up to a pillbox and I found something I had written in marker over a year before. “Tony + Deirdre 4ever. 3/27/22” We ended things about two months later. I knew when writing it that it wasn’t true. I thought when I saw it again, I’d be sad, but instead I felt proud. I am so proud of how far I’ve come since writing that. I’m proud of how much I’ve grown. I was running around the pillbox with my friend having fun, instead of begging my boyfriend to please come to the top of the hike. I really need to find someone who likes being outside, that was a little crazy of me. If there’s one thing I learned in that relationship, it’s that you can’t make someone like hiking, no matter how hard you try.
To end our night we went on a booze cruise. This was one I had gone on before, but this time the waves were so choppy, I was sunburned, and I was a little too tipsy for my own good. I remember trying so hard to have a good time, but sunburn, alcohol, and seasickness, aren’t really a recipe for success. I remember being so incredibly grateful to be on the sand again.
On the morning before our flight, I felt emotions rise high again. I lost an earring that I had just bought when we were on the North Shore. I started crying my eyes out. I’m usually not this big of a crier but this was definitely about more than just an earring. I used to call my mom everyday when I lived there, just to have someone to talk to who gets it. She’s moved around a lot and I think she understands the emotional damage a place can give you. I tried to keep it together but the stress of travel combined with the fact that I know I won’t be back on O’ahu for a long time just built up I suppose. I felt like this time was a real goodbye. My friends, the experience, the pain, and all of the highs and lows.. this trip sort of felt like a victory lap. I packed all of my favorite parts of all of my favorite days into a week. I’m glad I moved on, but I’ll never forget my first home away from home. I say this is goodbye, but these islands always have a way of drawing you back.. <3
