Being Alone

If I had to ball park, I would say I spend about 85% of my time alone. I write, go for walks and hikes, cook, eat, and sleep alone. I want to write this series, not about romantic relationships, but about fostering a relationship with yourself. Some of people I’ve been talking to lately have been talking about how they don’t know “how I do it.” I guess they mean how I’m happy and content being with myself all the time. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that it never gets lonely, that I never wish I was around more people, it’s just the way it is sometimes. In life you have ups and downs. There are times your social circle is going to be full and there are times your social circle will feel more like an empty space. In the past I'd get anxious thinking about what other people must think of me doing things by myself. The truth is plain and simple:

No one cares what you’re doing.

The ability to spend time by yourself isn’t, in my experience, something I was born with. Like anything else, it’s a skill I needed to practice and work on in order to have my life look the way it does right now. I used to have to occupy my every waking moment in order to avoid thinking about things I was trying to avoid. I realized that avoiding topics or even people you don’t want to confront doesn’t really get you anywhere. I wasn’t able to sit alone with my thoughts for more than a few minutes. No matter what I did I felt like it wasn’t good enough. Now, I can comfortably hike anywhere from .5-12 miles and I won’t even need to have music playing. I just walk through nature with my thoughts.

I’ve moved to 4 different states by myself. I’ve seen national parks, slept in my car, gone on hikes, started new jobs, signed leases, moved in and out of places and lived so much life in the last 5 years that I can’t even picture what my life would look like now if I were still waiting around for someone to do things with me. I used to not even be able to order my own food at a restaurant, never mind being comfortable enough to walk in and sit at a table for one. I wanted to write this article to help those who are struggling and to tell you guys some things that I’ve done to help myself grow into the person I am now.

Grow your confidence by taking yourself out on little dates. I used to have a lot of anxiety about doing this, but truly no one is watching you. Leave your phone out of it and bring a journal instead. Sit at the table and write down things you like and appreciate about yourself. If this is too hard, think about things you say to yourself and write down some of the negative self talk you might participate in. If you’re going to go this route make sure you have a baby or child picture of you to look at. Look at that kid and then look at your list. I personally have my first grade photo as my phone background to remind myself to always be nice to her even when I can’t be nice to me.

Be your own best friend.

I could write a whole book about this sentence. It was something my therapist of six years told me consistently throughout our time together. Honestly I never really took any stock in it. It sounded like dumb advice at the time, after all I was put in therapy because of my lack of friends. She was right though. If you love yourself and you are genuinely happy with yourself you will really attract those around you. If you exude love and light and happiness, it is what the universe will reward you with for all of your hard work. I’m not going to lie, I straight up used to really dislike myself. Not sure if I would use the word hate but it wasn’t a pleasant feeling when I looked in the mirror. If this step is really hard for you, try faking it till you make it. This was advice my older sister gave me years ago. When I moved to Los Angeles a few months ago, I started working at a job with seriously the nicest girls I ever met. A few of them told me my eyes were really pretty. For a while, my eyes were something I was really insecure about, they sort of droop a little bit. One of them told me they looked like blue raindrops. My point with this story is that even though on the inside, I didn’t like this about myself, instead of self-depreciating comments like, “oh, no they aren’t,” I simply thanked them for the nice compliment. Say thank you when people compliment you. Cut out all negative self-talk, even if you don’t believe it yourself. I started walking around like I was the most beautiful person I knew and after several months of this, I started to believe I really am beautiful. Once I started to accept and love everything about myself, everything got better. All of this sounds like a 2012 tumblr post, I’m painfully aware of that, it’s just as someone who has been at her lowest and come out the other side all by herself, I want to help other people do the same. Becoming your own best friend is the end goal, but like any relationship it needs constant work. Take yourself out on dates, schedule time to do something productive and enjoyable. Live life for you and no one else.

Realize you have free will.

If you want to book a trip to Antarctica tomorrow, you could. If you have a spare $15,000-$18,000. If you don’t though, no worries. Something that has gotten me to become super independent is taking short, cheap, weekend trips by myself and exploring new coastal towns along the west coast of Southern California. Since moving to LA, I’ve taken a trip to Zion, the Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, San Diego, Santa Barbara, and so many more little day trips to Laguna Beach, Malibu, and Redondo. There are so many little places to explore no matter where you are situated. I often look at social media and see girls going on these sorts of trips with their friends. Sometimes it makes me sad because it forces me to face the reality that I have none. Not that I have no friends, I do! I have amazing friends, but we’re all in different places not only geographically but just in our lives in general. I have several friends still in school, I have people that don’t work a job with as flexible hours as I have, and friends that just aren’t as into doing things like this as I am. I want to get no sleep, drive all hours of the night, and freeze while watching the sunrise over rocks. I want to wake up at 4 in the morning and drive over an hour to hike and watch the sun come up over the clouds. I want to put over a thousand miles on my 2009 Nissan in less than a day. Most importantly, I want to spend any extra income doing these things. Every spare penny I have goes towards the fund for my next trip. I travel on a budget, most if not all of my trips are less than $300. I travel within my means, which means that more often than not my TikToks won’t look like someone elses who can afford and AirBnb, my TikToks will be me sleeping in my car or in a hostel. That’s okay though. throughout my travels, I’ve learned to just be happy with where I am and what I’m doing, even if I have to do it alone. Even if I have to drive for hours without music because I forgot my car charger and I need my phone alive for a gps. Even if I don’t talk to anyone for days because I’m by myself without cell service. That life, my life, isn’t for everyone, but my point is simple: whatever you want to do? you have the free will to do it. There will always be reasons not to, you just have to look for the reasons TO. Write everything down. Your best and worst case scenarios. What you do in the worst case. And see if it’s worth it, most likely it will be. Just do it. Drive a few hours away. Start taking more time to yourself. Explore your adulthood and above all else:

Enjoy your freedom.

There are so many in this world who aren’t free. You are. Don’t squander it because you’re scared. Live because you can. I’m not saying you can’t be scared, there have been so so so many times in my travels where I have been genuinely paralyzed with fear. But I did it. I always do it. You just have to do things scared. If you have a tiny bit of savings, you can leave your life behind and start over completely somewhere else. I moved to Los Angeles from New York with $3,000 a will to make it there and a dream. My dream isn’t to be famous or even work in the entertainment industry. My dream is to be happy, and I found it here. I found a place that feels like home, even though I didn’t grow up here. I found a place with kind, genuine people who make this city feel less intimidating. It was really hard to move here on my own. The United States is huge, it took me days to drive across it. Looking back though? It’s fine. It was always fine. I was fine. I was scared, but I was safe. I didn’t have anything when I moved here, I spent my last $1400 on a security deposit. I started working instantly and intensely and within weeks I made it all back. The pay off? Unreal. Sometimes things don’t work out, I had tried to move to Vegas a week before I moved to LA. It was horrible. Guess what? I just kept going, in life- that’s what you have to do. Especially if there’s no one else to care for you except you.

At the end of the day, the only person who controls your life is yourself. The moment you realize you can do whatever you want it’s going to feel like the sky is opening up. I used to be really lost, I felt like I could do anything I wanted, but there was so much out there- it felt like a dark and empty void of hopelessness. I didn’t want to live like that, so I put the work in a totally changed my perspective (which, as cliche as it sounds, really is everything) and I made a lot of changes and put myself in a position that felt empowering. Instead of looking at my life as a void to fill, I looked at it with glowing eyes of opportunity. I could do anything I wanted. Anything. If I wanted to go back to school right now to become an astronaut- like… I could do that. I definitely won’t. But I could. I am in control, and sometimes, it’s better to be alone. What I do, affects no one else. If I want to pack up and go on a trip or move cities or quit my job or change careers- the only person who is affected by that is me.

So I learned to do things on my own and appreciate the time I get to spend with myself. I learned to be my own best friends and it’s the most fulfilling friendship I have <3