Letting Yourself Off the Hook
I’m often told that I’m far too harsh on myself, that I give everyone breaks except me. This is so true. I don’t know how to stop being angry with myself for missed opportunity, hanging in relationships that were toxic to me for too long, not branching out more, I mean the list goes on. Instead of being proud of myself for publishing a book, I’m angry with myself that I’m 25 and have only published one. Instead of being proud of myself for solo backpacking for 7 months, I’m angry with myself that I didn’t do a year straight. I’m mad at myself for not having a better job by now, more friends, etc. I wish I had my student loans paid off by now, I wish I had a ring on my left hand and a masters degree. The thing is though I can sit here and wish upon every shooting star in the sky, but unless I actually be proactive about doing some of these things I’ll never get where I’m going.
I am the most impatient person ever. I want everything to fall into place about 30 seconds after I realize what I want. Use this exact blog for example, I created it back in 2020, but I only like how it looks… literally this week. It took 5 years of creating, editing, deleting, and starting over for me to actually like how it is. As the author of a book titles, “The Burden of Rootlessness” I realize I really only have myself to blame for my lack of roots. I only have myself to blame for my lack of all these things. I sit in the mirror and scold my reflection until she’s crying instead of trying to rectify the dreams I once had. I’m also horrific at giving myself credit. I lived in LA, I moved there by myself. I wrote most of my book there and met some amazing people. Even though that chapter is over, I’m proud of it. I traveled, and even though it wasn’t as long as other people on the internet travel for, I’m proud that I did it. I don’t know why I keep feeling like my life is over at 25. I have so much ahead of me.
I think it’s because I thought 25 would look different. I thought I would be doing more, I thought I would be more. But if I keep playing the blame game and pointing my finger in my own reflection, I’ll waste my present days. I’ll find myself at 28 being angry with with 25 year old self for being so mad at my 22 year old self and the cycle will never end. It wasn’t until tonight that I realized, I really have to let it go. I have to let go of the anger I have or I’ll never enjoy what’s right in front of me. Shifting the way you speak to yourself really changes your whole perspective on your life. Yes, I’m 25 and still in the hospitality industry, but that’s okay. It funds my side projects, my passions, my travel. I won’t be here forever. I have to remember how far I’ve come, too.
I found a list of things I wanted to do by 30 that I wrote at age 20. I wanted to go to Amsterdam by 30, live in LA and go to Coachella by 25. That’s a perfect example right there: go to Coachella. See, I’m 25 and I have zero desire to go to that festival. I won’t be mad if I die never having attended it at all. Maybe I will one day, but it isn’t high on my bucket list. You know what is? The Ha Giang Loop. Getting my 200 RYT certificate, writing more books. None of those things are on my 20 year old list because I didn’t realize 5 years ago that those things even existed or were something that I’d ever want to do. Life changes as you grow and your goals and desires change with you. So, yes, have a bucket list or a goal sheet or whatever you want, but know it’s okay to erase and replace your dreams with something more aligned to who you currently are instead of who you once were.
Practice peace with yourself. Get off your phone (and as someone who’s always on hers, I know it’s not easy). Today, I did a job interview, my first hour of the day without my phone, went for a long walk, signed up for RYT training! And applied for a few more jobs that are more aligned with my dreams. I’m not saying I’m perfect after one day, but I stopped scrolling and comparing myself to every other person on the internet who is probably just as confused on what to do with their life as I am. Most importantly, I want to emphasize the last thing I did today: signed up for RYT training! This has been on my list of things to do for years and I finally just said “F it- today’s the day” I bought the course. Obviously now I actually have to do it, but I took that first baby step. I forgave myself for not doing it 5 years ago and decided to just start today.
Forgiveness of others is difficult, forgiveness for yourself is nearly impossible without a strong determination to let go of your past and a complete dedication to moving forward with your life. Yes, I’m in another hospitality job when I was trying to switch industries, but I’m in a hospitality job in another country because I was brave enough to take leap across the Atlantic and move forward! Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. Let yourself off the hook!
